Love and War

Dear Diary,
Having a secret affair isn't as fun as I had thought it would be. I've never really had a secret to keep before, so I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be. Now I have decisions to make with a secret to weigh in with the equation.

If I had chosen any other profession, then the choice would be very straight forwards. Lord Jarlan is a titled landowner who is getting on in his old age. Marriage to him wouldn't be all that bad..Settle down for a year, bear him his brat, and then leave again..When he knocks off in a few years then I would stand to inherit another property. Really, it's a pretty sweet deal for a courtier, or only daughter, especially one as near spinsterhood as I am. But I'm an adventuring cleric and I don't believe Pelor is ready to let me settle down just yet. If I was to marry the old lord, the mace would likely revert to someone else, and the citadel would belong to my husband...Stupid archaic laws. Both big reasons why marriage is not for me. That, and I'd like to think that Tirith would take issue.

*sigh*

I wish I knew more women my age to talk with. I'll be damned if I give in and confide with Cyrillia. Just what I need is Mom knowing that her sweet little virg*n priestess daughter is boffing an undead hunter. Especially one who's old enough to be her father..(well, maybe youngest uncle). Actually that might be an interesting showdown...Anyways I had a hard enough time keeping it from Cyrilla in Esdon, it's a good thing that she's a heavy sleeper. I don't think any of the boys would care to listen to me moan about my troubles. Perhaps I should speak with Omer or Jasper, Jasper might be a good confidant if I were to swear him to secrecy first...

*sigh*

Actually, as much as I'm lonely now, I think it's a good thing that I left when I did. My feelings for him were starting to get in the way of work. The skirmish at Three Peaks was an example of where I made the wrong choice in battle, when it should have been straight forwards, and poor Omer suffered for it. I don't think either of them noticed, but I still feel bad about it.

It's also a good thing that nothing more serious then a broken arm happened...Like a full belly. I'm no expert on birth control, so I'll trust to Tirith's experience. I'm pretty sure that tea he gave me, tasty as it was, had additional properties. I'd like to gain his recipe, it would be a useful addition for my healing knowledge. But all he would tell me was he got the recipe from a woman to the east. Perhaps he doesn't trust me to stay monogamous. Of course then that would mean that he does care and isn't just giving me lip service.

*sigh*

Now that I'm away, I worry that I was just a diversion for him. He's been an adventurer for almost 20 years, I know that I wouldn't have been the first. I guess I just need to put these feelings aside for now. I'm honored that he let me see beneath his cold exterior to the man beneath. He has such a love for life and light that he was hard for me to resist.

Now time to move on to more important things...Pelor's will.

I hope Mordicai stays put tonight. I really need some sleep.