I had a personal epiphany this evening that came out of nowhere. I think my self-esteem is shot.
My boss was trying to talk to me about work and explaining the job-site politics and such when he stopped mid-conversation and asked me why I never look him straight in the eye. It makes him uncomfortable, like I might be shifty or something. It really threw me for a loop, because I have always had a hard time looking at people's eyes straight on. I didn't think it was the sort of thing people noticed. I'm not shifty in a criminal kind of way, I just can't stop my face from showing what I think and I learned at an early period in my life to defend against that.
Why am I still defending?
Besides defending myself it also serves as a way to measure my trust. If I can trust you I'll look you in the eye because I know where I stand and what I can ask for from you. I see you as equal. Otherwise you are above me due to my own social guilt. That sounds weird until we get back to the self-esteem thing. I don't know where I stand anymore on a lot of issues. Being home most of the time leaves me feeling uninformed about the world at large. How can I look a person in the eye while I have no idea what I'm talking about?
At the root of my problem tonight is that I recognize my social ineptness from people around me when I was growing up. Part of the reason I don't look people in the eye is because there were real trust issues back then and I absorbed a lot of that guilt. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for absolutely no reason except the projected distrust in the environment.
Now that I've recognized it I need to work on not passing it on again.
When Ron asked, I blurted out something about a domineering childhood. It's none of his business, but even though that answer wasn't exactly correct, it was what he was able to hear. He's a good guy and apologized for bringing it up. I'm going to try to look him in the eyes from now on.
5 comments:
What's funny, is I find myself looking people in the eye less and less too, so I can relate.
I've never really thought about the 'whys' of it though...On some level, I imagine it comes from the religious upbringing I sorta had...where you're taught that you should be sorry for everything you do, because you're damaged goods right out of the womb...
Something I have pondered out more and more though, is the decided lack of eye contact I notice in myself when wandering downtown...when I was a 'young punk', it's almost as if I would CHALLENGE the passersby...now I avoid it...Sunday thoughts...
Shaymus Bane
It's never too late for personal growth and attacking the skeletons of our past. Just think of all the good things going on in your life right now. You are surrounded by people who love you, have 2 beatiful, healthy kids and a nice home. Honestly, what else is there? It's already alot more than most have - and something to be proud of. You should be proud of the person you have become and the obstacles you have overcome. We all have something to hide, by not looking people in the eyes, you are advertising that, and it's nobody's business but your own. Let them be afraid to look you in the eyes!!!
I completely relate to what you wrote Stace. (Except) My upbringing wasn't religious beyond a few years of obligatory Sunday school... which was more of a drama class than anything(I was the angel in the Christmas nativity). To be honest the things I learned there help to balance out the things I learned at home. At home I was damaged goods...at Sunday school I was special and baby Jesus loved me. There's a certain idealology there that has stuck with me.
Just writing that sort of frightens me. I think I'll go meditate on the teachings of TGFSM for a bit.
PS...Thanks Bid (at least I think you wrote that :)... )
one of the hardest things in the world for me is looking someone directly in the eyes...it has taken years of training to get out of the habit...i still do it on occasion...be proud...be strong...
I use direct eye contact to mean "I am as valuable a person as you are and I deserve your respect". It works on all sorts of people -- from Deans of universities to two-year-old children.
However, when I use it I also mean "You are as valuable a person as I am and you deserve my respect". Definitely a two-way street.
I tend to use it more when I'm saying something difficult (like, I caught you cheating, or why did you hit your sister) but I worry about it less (if at all) with my friends. Implicit sense of trust there, I guess.
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